Running for health. Running for life.

It’s 5AM and There’s No Snoring

I question why I’m here. Why I’m up. Why I believe that one day, not today, I will turn things around. If I want progress it will come, right? But yet, I see myself in the mirror and I want my results without waiting. I’ve learned to manage the effort. I’ve learned how to feel satisfied after the effort. But, it’s the idea of waiting that destroys me. And sadly, my refusal to wait is what will prolong the waiting period.

My heart feels funny and I have weird, sporadic pains as if my fatty tissue is crushing my nerves. I know I’m not healthy. And the mortality of my body is becoming too real to me.

Still, it’s as if my desire for health can’t reign over my desire to satisfy my self-deprecating cravings.

Besides, there’s all my other problems going on right now. I have no job, no money, and no sense of self-worth that’s appropriate for my age. Apart from spending time with a certain unmotivated, mooching alcoholic, I have no friends.

I’m doing all I can not to hate myself.

I stay up late. Later and later. I wait till I get to this kind of delirious state that I’m currently riding. As if it’s the great thrill I’ve been waiting to experience all day.

The consequences of this behavior seem to multiply exponentially as time goes on. I sleep very little. I eat in binges at odd times. I’m fatigued at all hours. Outside of waddling down to the kitchen or to the bathroom, I remain bedridden even when awake.

No wonder I’ve slipped into such a depressive state. I’ve checked myself in as a psychiatric patient, with my bedroom as the saddest ward there ever was.

I need to run and I need to do it often. No matter how embarrassing my life has become, I am no Lindsey Lohan. If Lohan can set a realistic goal in completing a marathon, then surely I can get back to being healthy.

Getting into the Zen

I need to find peace for myself. I need to allow myself to let go of what is holding me back. I need to listen to my body. I need to treat my body with respect. If I treat myself well, I will feel well. It’s simple, I shouldn’t make it difficult. 

Another Day

Here is another day to prove myself. Another day where I need to go beyond my sedentary desires. I need to work hard if I want to see results. Giving up is not an option. I don’t have to be the fiercest or strongest athlete today. I just need to be active. This task is only mentally daunting. I can do this. 

The Big Return

BIG. Big as in being a size where I am constantly uncomfortable no matter the wardrobe. Big as in this is more difficult than I would like it to be. Big as in this return to focusing on health will be successful beyond the first trip to the gym.

I made it through today. A 40 minute run. What torture! But the wost step is the first step. It will get better from here. Although I may physically feel more pain in future cramps, achy muscles, and processed food withdrawals. Mentally, I’ve overcome the first challenge.

This notion of fitness will stick to me if I make an effort to stick to it first. It will be the cute-boy-crush that got me out of bed for high school.

Oh Fitness, I will choose my outfits in effort to attract you. I will follow you down the hall. I will take up your hobbies. I will be friendly with your friends. I will keep my eye on you and only you. I will dream of a happy life with you. As I would be faithful to you. One day you’ll be mine. Till death do us part.